Door 4: Values and Beliefs

All the abilities and strategies in the world are futile if we don't believe in them deep down. Worse yet, some beliefs can harm us instead of helping us. I had to go through the fourth gate to realize this.

Values and beliefs constitute the "4th logical level of change," according to the classification of author and trainer Robert Dilts, co-creator of neuro-linguistic programming. According to him, they allow us to inhibit or strengthen a capacity.

Beliefs answer the question “why?”, while values answer the question “for what?”.

My values

Honesty, loyalty, integrity, etc. are deep values that have guided my choices for years. However, I fell into naivety and self-sabotage for having applied them without discernment. Two examples:

– out of loyalty , I refused a position that interested me a lot, a few months after I was hired. I wanted to respect my commitment to my new manager… I lost this position, later.

– out of humility , I let a colleague take all the credit for a project that had been a success. He had presented it, but I had done it… He was congratulated and became a manager. I was manipulated.

It was in 2012, in my journey as a corporate coach, that I understood that the problem was not in my values, but rather in some of my beliefs. I had just reached the fourth gate.

My beliefs

Know that values and beliefs interact with each other. Helpful or limiting, the latter are often difficult to question.

Identification

Beliefs can be detected by sentences that start with: "I must, I have to, I am capable of, it is not, it is important to, etc. (or their opposite)". Unconsciously, I told myself: "I absolutely have to please others. It is important to me. Do your best!" This is a belief that limited me.

Neutralization

Being able to doubt the limiting belief allows you to neutralize its effects. The following questions help with reflection: “Who is forcing you? What would happen if you didn’t do this? Why is it so important? What is stopping you?”

Transformation

The goal is to replace the limiting belief with a new belief that will be helpful. The following questions help to start the reflection: “Have you ever gotten the result you wanted without doing this? Have you ever gotten another result by doing this? What would you need to believe now for things to go well for you?”

I now told myself: "Think of yourself and do it for yourself! You are appreciated for who you are, not for what you do." It is a helpful belief.

I had finally realized that it was all linked to a lack of self-confidence. I still had to find the right coach, to accompany me to cross this fourth door.

The frog at the top

The philosopher Charles Pépin describes self-confidence as a combination of confidence in others, confidence in one's abilities, and confidence in life, that is, the conviction that there is something good in it, regardless of the future.

Here is a story that illustrates this concept:

One day, a group of frogs set themselves the goal of climbing to the top of the tallest tree in the forest. When the race began, the observers, incredulous, shouted at them that it was impossible and that they would never make it. Despite all their efforts, the frogs doubted, then gave up. Only one persevered despite the disapproving comments. With determination, she managed in a final effort to reach the top of the tree. After this feat, all the frogs, amazed, approached her to know her secret. The latter was deaf… She explained to them in her own way, that she had always been confident of succeeding, especially seeing these wonderful people encouraging her.

She didn't know it was impossible, they said, so she did it!

Like the frog, be deaf to the beliefs of others that discourage you. Be deaf to your own beliefs that limit you. Stay tuned to the beliefs that will help you open the doors that come your way.